It is better to take control…or give control in bed?

Control. What exactly does it mean to take control or give control? Communication in relationships, especially around control or being controlled is really important. If you’re in any sort of formal BDSM or kink relationship, you probably already know this. Not everyone has a twenty page written contract, but anyone will tell you, asking and getting consent is crucial.


Most people are not in contractual BDSM relationships, but just want to add a little zing to their mostly ‘vanilla’ lives–a little playfulness here and there.

Being in control doesn’t mean you get to do things to your partner that they wouldn’t want. It meansdeciding what happens next and how it happens.

Have a conversation about ‘who’s in charge’ sometime when you’re out of the bedroom. This puts you both in neutral physical territory, especially if you’ve got a pattern going where one person always initiates sex.

It’s likely that if you want to switch things up, your partner does too. It’s exhausting being the person who is always making the first move, setting the pace, or deciding on what (or who) is going to go down.

For someone who’s ‘been in control’, it’s exhilarating to have your partner take charge for a change. It’s downright freeing to go with the flow of whatever it is they’ve got planned. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be lying on your back waiting for action, but maybe taking vocal or physical direction.

If you’ve been the more passive partner, it’s exciting to think through a plan of action and carry it out with your partner’s compliance but at your own pace for a change. You might even be surprised at how your partner responds to your guidance.

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