#loveexpert Questions: “Sex is bad with my partner. Are we doomed as a couple?”

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It happens more often than you’d think. You see what appears to be the perfect couple at a party or out and about and, from the outside, it looks like they’ve got it all together. Most of us would never believe that some of the most functional looking relationships we witness as outsiders could be suffering from mediocre sex lives with each other. If you’re one of those people suffering from some less than stellar sex, it’s natural that you might question the entire relationship because of it. Can the relationship still work? Are you doomed to a life of ho-hum sex if you stay with your current partner?

To answer those questions, you’ll need to ask yourself a few more. Any sex life can be turned around if the desire and willpower are there, but you need to be sure that the sex incompatibility isn’t for an underlying reason unrelated to any of the physical stuff. If your relationship is otherwise fantastic and you have a great partner who treats you right and who you enjoy being with, don’t be so quick to toss the entire thing out the window just because you can’t seem to sync up sexually. Have you communicated with your partner about your concerns? Do you let them know what you like and don’t like? If you’re biting your tongue and faking your enthusiasm and orgasms in an attempt to save your partner some hurt feelings, you’re not doing yourself or your partner any favors. Try having a light-hearted discussion with them about what you know works for you and what doesn’t, and in turn ask them about what they do and don’t like in bed. A lot of sexual incompatibility is due to miscommunication, so you might find out that talking it out resolves a lot of the issues you’re experiencing. You should also be open to the idea of exploring different fantasies between yourselves and maybe incorporating some toys, props, or role-playing into the bedroom to test out some uncharted waters together.

If you’re on the flip side of this coin and you find yourself in a relationship that leaves a lot to be desired, PLUS the sex is bad, you should really examine why you’re staying in the first place. It’s one thing to work at building a positive sex life with someone who respects you and makes you happy, but if you’re currently interacting with someone who treats you poorly, makes you feel inadequate, or otherwise makes you uncomfortable, the bad sex life is icing on the cake and a sign that you should probably back out. Our subconscious is a funny thing in that if we are uncomfortable, self-conscious, or otherwise sensing danger and red flags from a person, our physical bodies tend to not want to cooperate when it comes time to get physical, and rightly so. If your partner is making you feel bad about yourself or your body, or if you are having serious doubts about the relationship outside of the bad sex life, you should definitely cut ties and move on.

Do you have a sex or relationship-based question that you would like us to answer for you? Feel free to contact us and let us know what it is!

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