Dangus Kahn, Fallopian Fiddler, Executive Staff Member…
That’s right, today’s post is all about living with a huge penis. We were going to begin this blog post by listing a number of big-penis euphemisms to get us warmed up. But after losing at least an hour (thanks internet), it’s time to get down to the nitty-gritty. So, what’s the deal? Is bigger really better? Is a big dick a big bonus, or does having a big dick just make you, well, a big dick? It turns out, it may not be that simple.
1. You never have to worry about being too small. As one Bustle contributor, Logan, put it so eloquently, “You don’t feel the need to have a nice car or buy expensive clothes. You can wear gym clothes and drive a Saturn for life. Who cares, right? You have a big dick.”
2. A world of possibilities. Take a long penis and a flexible lady, and the options are limitless. Plus, that swizzle stick can be used for all sorts of fun tricks, like the Wristwatch, the Loch Ness, and the Helicopter.
3. Bigger penises (7 inches and up) do have an impact on sexual performance, having been known to provide better ejaculatory control and the ability to last longer during sex sessions–a huge benefit since women, on average, take longer to orgasm in a typical sex session than men.
4. That secret spot. Some girls actually report that one of their greatest pleasure-producing locations can only be reached “by men of a certain stature.” Bottom line: there’s a key out there for every lock.
The downsides of dong-dignity
Perhaps surprisingly, a number of three-legged men have recently become public about the struggles associated with their extra packaging. Here are the highlights.
1. Limited versatility in the bedroom. Unless she’s into really, really, painful sex, like being split open or having or organs pounded, you may be out of luck. Anal is probably entirely out of the question, for fear of anal prolapse. Sure, you can use your fingers or focus on oral, but that doesn’t help you climb Pleasure Mountain as a team.
2. Jealousy. That’s right–it’s not just the little guys who have problems undressing in the locker room. Good luck wearing tight pants or using a communal showers without unwanted glares from mere mortals.
3. Exhausting oral. It takes a special (and experienced) woman to be up for the challenge of sucking down a penis the size of a boat’s mast. Deep-throating is probably out of the question.
4. Awkward sausage. Regular condoms are too small, Magnums might be too big, and if you’re constantly shifting it around, you look like a perv playing with your bulge.
So, what have we learned? Just be yourself and dance with the one that brung ya (we could have seen that coming). Chances are, if rolling around before sex isn’t awesome, the size of your penis won’t make that much of a difference. Remember: It’s not about the size of the ship; it’s about the motion of the ocean.