Talking about sex is never easy. Whether you want to try something new, need something to change or have found yourself faking orgasms with your partner, bringing up the subject is so hard that some people never do. Unfortunately, that can leave you in the position of having uncomfortable sex, feeling sexually frustrating or even feeling as though you’ve been taken advantage of. At Romantix, we think everyone deserves to have enjoyable sex and being able to realize your true sexual self. Talking about sex is a must to achieve that.
Why is telling your partner that you want to try something new so tricky? It’s partly because you’re being vulnerable and expressing an interest — one that you might worry will result in shame or mocking. You may fear that your partner will simply reject the request, and you may be worried about hurting his or her feelings or ego.
These are all very real fears. Sadly, some people have had to deal with negative consequences when attempting to bring something new into the bedroom, whether that might be a sex toy, porn or BDSM. But there are ways you go about it that will give you the best chance of success.
Timing is critical when it comes to talking about sex. Bringing up something new in the heat of the moment might give your partner pause, especially if it’s something they want to consider. Surprise may not work in your favor.
You might not want to bring out a toy during sex if you’ve never discussed this with your partner before. On the other hand, if you seductively ask your partner if they want to see you orgasm, a request that most people will happily oblige, you can masturbate in front of them with your fingers or favorite vibrator.
Similarly, offering suggestions immediately after sex might come off as criticism and ruin the sexual afterglow.
It’s okay to suggest things during sex, but try to keep them manageable. You can sexily moan an instruction for your partner to move to the left or go harder or to use a finger in a certain way. But complicated suggestions or those that are far outside your comfort zone may meet with resistance.
Starting the Conversation
It might seem odd to start a conversation about sex outside of the bedroom, but it gives both of you time to consider and discuss. An immediate answer isn’t necessary.
There are a few ways you can bring up topics:
- Discuss an article/video that you recently saw on the Internet. You might even point to an article on the Romantix blog about a toy or technique that you find intriguing. You can text or message a link to your partner to see what they think without directly saying that you want to try it. Although, they’ll probably take the hint.
- Start a discussion about what the gals or guys were talking about. Your partner doesn’t have to know if that conversation didn’t really happen.
- Ask what your partner has always wanted to try in the bedroom. This way, both of you can provide suggestions. You might even write a few ideas down and toss them in a jar to pick one out
- If you’re discussing sex, compliment something your partner does. “I always love when you..” Then, continue with something such as, “and you know what else I’d love to try?”.
- Leave a book within view for your partner to find. We suggest Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Strap-On Sex, Fetish Sex, The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys, or Naughty Knots to start.
- Slip it into a game of truth or dare a la “I dare you to tell me something you’ve always wanted to do in bed.”
The direct approach works for some, especially if you have an open and honest relationship and/or you’re a matter-of-fact type. But the rules above about timing still apply.
Expectation and Reaction
If you act as though the conversation is a huge deal, you’re more likely to be tense and reactive. Any perceived negatives might set you off. It’s good to be as calm as possible.
Furthermore, if you make your partner feel as though it’s a life-or-death conversation, you might not like their reaction. Make sure you specify that there are no expectations. Your partner doesn’t have to respond now, and they don’t have to agree to try something new, especially if it’s out of their comfort zone. The more you press, the less likely they may be to try something new.
Give them time to come to you with questions or concerns. You definitely don’t want to come off as a nag and bring up the subject time and again. Nor do you want to issue an ultimatum. In some cases, you might not be able to settle without a particular kink or fetish. But if you decide that’s a conversation you need to have, you should do it calmly and not in the heat of the moment.
Although you might feel vulnerable, try not to judge your partner’s response. It may be emotional and perhaps intended to make you feel bad. Try not to respond to this behavior. If this is out of the norm, you may chalk it up to the tricky conversation about new things to try in bed (although, you may want to reconsider your relationship if occurs frequently). When you reconvene, the discussion may be easier, and you may be able to come to a compromise.
In some instances, it might be better to simply end the relationship rather than bring up things that you know your partner won’t be down for, especially if you’ve discussed it in the past.
But in many cases, discussing the new and different things you’d like to try in the bedroom can lead to better sex and more intimacy.
If you’re looking for more advice to improve your sex life, contact us today.